Participate, don't anticipate.

It may look like I have spent the first ten days of 2011 making origami cranes and plunking away off-key on my new ukulele, but that is hardly all I've been up to....

Actually, yeah, that is about the size of it.


My parents insisted I look up this guy: (Tiny Tim) ever since I started playing. Wish to God I hadn't.I'm trying not to let him ruin the whole instrument for me.

I haven't gotten around to New Year's Resolutions yet, and I'm beginning to think that might be a good thing. I typically make a way too specific list of "wills" and "will nots", half of which end up already broken by this point. The truth is, 2011 is supposed be a significant year for me.

In less than a week I head back to Franciscan to do what I've been trying to do for the past 5-ish years- FINISH COLLEGE. Whether for the sake of conversation, or because they're genuinely curious, it becomes customary for people at this point to start asking you questions. They all basically can be lumped into the category of "What's next?"

What IS next? That's a good question. Cause whatever I resolve to do now is going to affect some bigger decisions that need to happen this year.

This time though, I just feel differently.
In the past I've sweated over "the next step". Wherever or whatever that step was going to be.
I've spent so many of my present life moments trying to 'engineer' my future. Trying to get all my ducks in a row so I could be perfectly prepared for anything and everything that comes along. Participating in activities I think will reflect positively to some unknown future entity that may come along to judge my worthiness. Putting expiration dates and age limits on myself, holding up this invisible measuring stick to make sure I fit where I imagine I should.

I'm realizing though, that for all my scheming and crafting, few things ever go as planned.

I met this girl back in the beginning of December, two days before she got in the car crash that killed her. We drove out to a mutual friend's party in Pittsburgh together on a Saturday night, in my car. She told me all about where she'd been in the past year and what her plans for this upcoming semester at Franciscan were going to be. I drove past the accident that killed her Monday morning and didn't recognize her car.

Its been a month since that happened and I still don't know what to do with it exactly. But its made me take a closer look at the people I care about, and appreciate every day I wake up and they're still in this world.

I digress.
I guess I'm realizing that as tough as its going to be to find a job, and as uncertain as I am about my location in 6 months, and how all these loose ends that sometimes resemble talents are ever supposed to come together to produce a future-- it really is in God's hands. Only. And right now, the courageous thing to do might just be to sit back and wait for His word on the matter.

So I have one semester left as a college student. And rather than missing out on it cause I'm too busy looking ahead, my goal is to really live that semester, and trust that God has things planned for that semester that He hasn't let me in on yet. He'll let me know when the time is right.

My resolutions are these:

1) To be honest
2) To choose happiness
3) And to live passionately.

I think I'll be fine.

Advent Novena

So I decided to pray this novena during Advent, cause I've realized over the past few years that I really don't prepare well enough spiritually for Christmas. Christmas as an adult has always felt a little empty to me. There's so much buildup and then fifteen minutes after all the presents are opened the letdown begins. There's so much we do to prepare for Easter during Lent, but during the Christmas season, its just way too easy to let the shopping become the focus.

Anyway, I found this novena that you begin TODAY November 30th, and say up until Christmas Eve. You're supposed to pray the prayer FIFTEEN times a day (which seems a little daunting) but don't worry, its really short.

Because I'm a major nerd I realized that the place I find myself most frequently during the day is --you guessed it-- my computer. Therefore I turned the prayer into desktop wallpaper for my laptop, haha.

I'll try to make it downloadable in case anyone else is game to join me, haha. Happy Advent!!

Theology of the Body: (aka: Do I really have the guts to say the word SEX in Church...)

In the past month I've gone from round the clock graphic design, photoshop, computer animation, and web site work to pretty much nada. Work at the White Buffalo Resort (my parents' business) is demanding, physical, and sometimes rewarding, but allows for very little "creative expression". (Picture a snarky look on my face as I reluctantly concede to being one of those people who feels they need "creative expression.")

Therefore I went OVERBOARD on the chance to design a few flyers for what I'm hoping will be one of my more exciting ventures of the summer- facilitating a Theology of the Body Study Group at my parish in Arkansas.

I love Theology of the Body because:

1) It's so different from any other chastity talk you've ever heard. In high school it seemed that the goal was to become a sex escape artist. Anyone teaching the Christian view on sex wanted to convince you to dodge sex at every turn- in your mind, in your relationships, in culture. Put your blinders on and begin a rapid succession of dodges and feints. Theology of the Body celebrates sex instead.

2) It teaches that sex is just as important as you think it is. More important even. Theology of the Body looks at sex not only as the fundamental expression of love in humanity, but also as the very building block of society, and even a FORESHADOWING OF HEAVEN.

Yowza. I'm not sure Hugh Hef even takes it that far.

3) It's transformative. And by that I mean it's transformed ME. Like a lot of young Catholics. I had an attitude of "rules". What do the rules really say? How far is too far? Show me the line and let me see justttt how close I can get without actually crossing. Instead of shoving the rules back down your throat, Theology of the Body brings you face to face with the hugeness of God's love for you. It challenges you to take rules out of the equation and instead love God so deeply that your will conforms to His will.

I haven't done a lot of ministry to adults. And I REALLY haven't done a lot of public speaking. Just having to go to all the masses in my parish this weekend and stand up to promote this study group was a big deal to me. Questions like: "Is this dress too low cut for someone promoting Theology of the Body?" and "Am I ACTUALLY about to use the word sexuality from the pulpit and in front of my entire parish?" were chief in my mind.

I guess I'm feeling called to live my faith more visibly. I've always been pretty content to meekly support and cheer on those in public ministry. Quietly pray for priests and whatnot. This summer especially though, I really feel God asking me to set aside my insecurities and step up. To use my face to represent the face of the Catholic Church, (not an easy face to have right now.) To really put myself and my reputation out there as capital "C" CATHOLIC and accept whatever challenges or knocks may come.

It's a little scary and intimidating.
Pray for the Holy Spirit to be present on Wednesday night when we begin Theology of the Body.
And rejoice that no lightning bolts took me down during my few moments at the altar. Not yet anyway.

Cringing my way to Praise and Worship

If you had asked me a few months ago what my opinions on Catholic Praise and Worship were, you likely would have received some serious cringe faces in response.

Despite not having much first hand experience with the Catholic Charismatic Renewal, my traditional upbringing and naturally skeptical demeanor has always led me to steer far clear of any hand lifting / tongue speaking / 'Jesus' wailing behavior. I didn't have any sort of hard dogmatic reasoning AGAINST Charismatic worship, just a general feeling that any such displays in the name of Religion were for overly emotional expressive types. Or else Catholics who sorta just wished they could be Protestants. Or phonies. In short- NOT for me.

Growing up in my family, Religion was serious business. Make a scene in Church? Not even an option.

Especially not for anyone hoping to politely request post-mass donuts.

Religion classes were always a big part of my education, and I got a better doctrinal foundation before high school than most Catholics.

By the time I was rolling up to Steubenville's campus at the end of August, I knew how to talk the Catholic talk. I walked the Catholic walk, (with admitted detours and sidetrips,) as best I could. I knew how to sing like a Catholic- (silently mouth the words the choir sings.)

What I didn't even realize was that I had no clue how to worship like a Catholic. I couldn't even identify what it might feel like to actually WORSHIP something or someone. The idea of overpowering, intense, all-consuming love never crossed paths with my idea of "Religion."

That IS what it's about though. That is the kind of love Christ feels for us. You don't die for somebody because you've studied theological reasons to do so. Christ died for us because of the mad, passionate, perfect love He has for each of us.

If you're willing and open to it, that is what Praise and Worship can expose you to. A little taste of that love Christ feels for you, and chance to try and reciprocate your own imperfect version of love to Him.

It doesn't make you the perfect Catholic.

It might take you a little while to get used to it.

But there's nobody that it's NOT for.