Participate, don't anticipate.

It may look like I have spent the first ten days of 2011 making origami cranes and plunking away off-key on my new ukulele, but that is hardly all I've been up to....

Actually, yeah, that is about the size of it.


My parents insisted I look up this guy: (Tiny Tim) ever since I started playing. Wish to God I hadn't.I'm trying not to let him ruin the whole instrument for me.

I haven't gotten around to New Year's Resolutions yet, and I'm beginning to think that might be a good thing. I typically make a way too specific list of "wills" and "will nots", half of which end up already broken by this point. The truth is, 2011 is supposed be a significant year for me.

In less than a week I head back to Franciscan to do what I've been trying to do for the past 5-ish years- FINISH COLLEGE. Whether for the sake of conversation, or because they're genuinely curious, it becomes customary for people at this point to start asking you questions. They all basically can be lumped into the category of "What's next?"

What IS next? That's a good question. Cause whatever I resolve to do now is going to affect some bigger decisions that need to happen this year.

This time though, I just feel differently.
In the past I've sweated over "the next step". Wherever or whatever that step was going to be.
I've spent so many of my present life moments trying to 'engineer' my future. Trying to get all my ducks in a row so I could be perfectly prepared for anything and everything that comes along. Participating in activities I think will reflect positively to some unknown future entity that may come along to judge my worthiness. Putting expiration dates and age limits on myself, holding up this invisible measuring stick to make sure I fit where I imagine I should.

I'm realizing though, that for all my scheming and crafting, few things ever go as planned.

I met this girl back in the beginning of December, two days before she got in the car crash that killed her. We drove out to a mutual friend's party in Pittsburgh together on a Saturday night, in my car. She told me all about where she'd been in the past year and what her plans for this upcoming semester at Franciscan were going to be. I drove past the accident that killed her Monday morning and didn't recognize her car.

Its been a month since that happened and I still don't know what to do with it exactly. But its made me take a closer look at the people I care about, and appreciate every day I wake up and they're still in this world.

I digress.
I guess I'm realizing that as tough as its going to be to find a job, and as uncertain as I am about my location in 6 months, and how all these loose ends that sometimes resemble talents are ever supposed to come together to produce a future-- it really is in God's hands. Only. And right now, the courageous thing to do might just be to sit back and wait for His word on the matter.

So I have one semester left as a college student. And rather than missing out on it cause I'm too busy looking ahead, my goal is to really live that semester, and trust that God has things planned for that semester that He hasn't let me in on yet. He'll let me know when the time is right.

My resolutions are these:

1) To be honest
2) To choose happiness
3) And to live passionately.

I think I'll be fine.